A Soul That Needs Rapture
by FinalStar
Summary: What Dean harbors within.


Dean grew up in a way most kids haven't,

hell that's a lie. Lots of kids have grown up hurt and have lost alot but Dean stood out. You don't usually lose your mother to a demon. You dont have to parent a child your whole life starting as a 4 year old boy. You don't grow up with a dad who trains you to fight monsters that everyone else believes is a great way to scare someone by telling tales. There are many things Dean Winchester has gone through that normal people even hunters themselves haven't gone through but Dean is the only one to know true lonliness.

A man just wanting to be loved by his soldier of a father who led him into battle countless times to take no regard that dean was afraid on the inside everytime. No, they had to 'finish the mission', let's not forget come back with fricken PTSD that likes to make itself a cozy home in your mind like a good real estate listing.

A man that wanted to be appreciated by his brother for all he's fucking done for him and to be able to put his trust into. But that appreciation didnt exist not unlike a unicorn... that might not be totally accurate, going to have to look at the lore. That appreciation for 'Sammy, don't worry I'll protect you' or 'Breakfast is ready, I made it for you' didnt exist to Dean as it first had after Sammy went off to college and left Dean behind, But the real sting straight from the queen bee herself was when they went to heaven for Dean to find the person he loves most, didn't have a trace of him in his final resting place.

Trust was broken when Sam chose Ruby over him, 'bros before demon hell no's' as Dean labelled it. To choose the very species that put them on the path of despair and mother day's meaninglessness, was a very huge grip on the heart enough to make it rupture.

A man who wanted a father like the mechanic with a cap and hunter knowledge. Dean had lost Bobby a while ago and though Dean loved Bobby as family, Bobby wasnt enough. Bobby wasn't the emotional type to understand Dean as he needed him, this was typically Sammy's trademark 'chick flick moments' but Dean was hardwired to be Sam's support no matter what the situation, he could never be weak for Sam. Not one ounce of emotion that showed weakness could be shown to Sam out of fear if he did, Dean would have to admit... He might not be able to protect him. Bobby was a man, a hunter built to be tough but Bobby had a soft side, not one Dean would ever be shown. Bobby couldn't be Sensitive towards Dean as a mother would to her son because they were men and men weren't meant to be sensitive to others in that endearing way. They understood each other of course but in terms of a mothers touch, not even gaining the parts of a woman would bobby be able to be gentle towards Dean like he wanted, Dean also doubted that Bobby would lose the facial hair if that did happen. Because of this Dean couldnt confide in Bobby the way he wanted to and couldn't receive the kind of love he's longed for, for so long.

Dean has lost so many people and everyone thinks its easy to let go but random nights would spawn random nightmares of people never to return. The only thing that made Dean happy just a tiny bit was that they are possibly in heaven but the feeling of them gone hurt more. Dean had nobody to ever feel as himself with because what was locked inside him like a deep underground prison was an inmate who was too weak and desperate for affection that he cant have.

A man who needed affection has finally found it. Dean found what he's wanted for so long in blue eyes that looked at him with so many emotions you'd think they were blended together to appear like that. Castiel didn't order Dean around it was actually quite the opposite, Dean felt guilty about it at times but castiel unlike Dean with his father wasn't reluctant, afraid or forced to follow Dean's orders. Castiel appreciated Dean for saving him from a mind control known as orders. Castiel trusted Dean so much it made Dean feel value that felt more alien then a ridley scott movie. Though to say if Dean trusted Castiel had the same merit would be a lie. Castiel has lied many times but what made it worth forgiving was: it was all for Dean. No matter what Castiel did, it was ALWAYS for Dean. Turning against heaven, sacrificing himself to fight an Archangel, risking death, going on fetching missions like a loyal man's best friend without the tail wagging, breaking mind control by sheer thought of who you'd kill. Castiel has proven himself time and time again. Castiel's love for Dean made him question himself. Castiel made him felt a familiar yet distant feeling of motherly love that he's longed for, for so long. Castiel was this great powerful being above humans, this is what Dean has needed his whole life. Someone who could always protect him rather than the other way around. A being with the ability to see through his lies and into the pain that festers in his soul and relieve it by giving a look that says 'I know'. A being who puts Dean above everything else like he's the sky. A being who will live long enough to watch over him even after he's dead. No human could do what Dean needed of them, if there was the slightest chance that they could, those qualities would be seperated into more then a few ppl but with Castiel it's an all in one package. Dean could look at Castiel when Castiel wasn't looking and smile, teeth showing and finally feel happiness without the anchor of past trauma sinking him. He could finally smile knowing: someone has finally raptured his soul to what feels like heaven.


End file.
